Funny Scottish and Glaswegian Scripts for Plays.

A collection of short humour scripts for your amusement . . .

COMMENTATOR: Here we are again at the Pompous-Gits’ Den where another batch of desperate entrepreneurs will try to get our arrogant, tight-fisted but disgustingly rich investors to part with their cash. First up we have Graham Bell with a brand new concept in telecommunications.

F/X: Footsteps



GRAHAM: I’m Graham, Chief Executive of Galactic Communications. Today I’m hoping to raise five-million pounds for a 20% share in the company. Our product is an amazing new phone, the GC-6Gi. This device can send text, photos, music, videos and even thought waves to anyone on any planet in our Galaxy.



DUNGCAN: Wait! Wait! I really must interrupt. Did you say ‘to any planet in the Galaxy’?



GRAHAM: That’s right to any . . .



DUNGCAN: (INTERUPTING) That is absolutely preposterous. Are you trying to tell us that with that phone you can talk to anyone anywhere?



GRAHAM: Exactly. The phone will even translate any alien language into that of the user.



DUNGCAN: This is ridiculous. I’ve never heard such utter nonsense.



COMMENTATOR: Well Dungcan doesn’t sound too happy with our budding entrepreneur but will Richbastard Moneygrabber come to his rescue.



RICHBASTARD: Dungcan, give the guy a chance to talk. Look I own eight-hundred technology companies and to be honest Graham this device seems too good to be true. Can you give us a demo?



GRAHAM: Certainly, try for yourself. Press the menu button and select one of the two-billion planets that have been pre- programmed.



F/X: BEEP BEEP



GRAHAM: Okay, so you’ve selected one of the planets orbiting Betelgeuse – good choice. Using the arrow buttons select any sector of the planet.



F/X: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP



GRAHAM: Right, now press the button marked ‘dial’.



F/X: Phone ringing



RICHBASTARD: No one seems to be answering.



GRAHAM: There could be several reasons for that. The planet may be uninhabited, you may have chosen a deserted area, it may be the middle of their night, the alien might be in the bath or they might not have invented telephones on that planet yet.



DUNGCAN: Or your phone may be a piece of crap.



COMMENTATOR: Oh dear, after that disastrous demo, Graham has angered our Pompous-Gits. He’ll really need to work hard if he’s going to get their money.



DEBBYBABY: Hello, I’m Debbybaby Hardlady and I must say I’m fast losing interest. Tell me, do you even have a patent for that thing.



GRAHAM: Yes. Not only have I a patent for the technology but I have also patented all forms of communications between any planets in the Galaxy.



DUNGCAN: Nonsense. You couldn’t possible get a patent for that.



GRAHAM: Well I have – what’s more if beings on different planets are already talking to each other then my company can claim royalties on every call that they have made in the past ten million years.



DUNGCAN: How could you possibly get a patent for that?



GRAHAM: I’ve got contacts.



RICHBASTARD: Let’s get back to practicalities, what’s your projected profit for the next five years?



GRAHAM: Eight-thousand billion pounds.



DUNGCAN: For a product that doesn’t even work?



GRAHAM: But the punters don’t know that. As far as they’re concerned it’s just a matter of keeping trying -

and every time they do we make money.



DUNGCAN: This is not a business. This is a scam.



GRAHAM: Well . . . yeah . . . but a very profitable scam.



DEBBYBABY: Graham, come clean with us. Have you actually sold any of these things?



GRAHAM: Yes. Last month we sold over three-million pounds worth of phones and we’re also selling distribution rights for every country in the world and every planet in the Galaxy. Only last week we took one-million for the distribution rights for Mars and four-million for the star group Zuben Elakrab.



DEBBYBABY: So are you telling us that with this scam, sorry, business we could quickly become the richest people in the world?



GRAHAM: Richest in the Galaxy actually.



DUNGCAN: Graham, let me tell you my position on this. What you have here is just a cheap fraud. And the sad thing is there’s so many bloody gullible people around it’s going to work . . . (PAUSE) . . . so I’m in.



DEBBYBABY: Me too – I’ll give the full five-million for 20% of the company.



RICHBASTARD: Wait a minute. I want in on this.



DUNGCAN: Hey - I offered first.



DEBBYBABY: Right, I’ll up my offer to eight-million pounds.



RICHBASTARD: Don’t be so bloody greedy – I want my share.



DUNGCAN: Well you’ll need to fight me for it big man.



COMMENTATOR: Well it seems that our entrepreneur won’t be leaving the en empty handed and as soon as the fighting stops I’m sure our Pompous-Gits will come to an amiable agreement. Well done Graham.



END