No Rabbie Burns
by Stuart McLean
to a Bank Manager
Owed tae a bank manager,
Owed tae a bank manager;
Fifty thousand pounds,
Owed tae a bank manager!
I met a fine lass frae Govan Toon,
An’ we fell in love by the light of the moon,
But noo we sing tae a different tune,
With oor Mortgage Endowment Policy Shortfall.
We bought a wee flat in the prosperous West End,
Money nae problem – banks sae keen tae lend,
Hand shakes and words like a well kent friend,
But now the bank manager wants tae evict us.
We made our repayments twelve times a year,
Skimping like Hell on clothes and on beer,
Expecting the endowment oor mortgage tae clear,
Then came the letter wae a warning in red.
The letter is said, ‘gee thanks a lot’,
Your payments were good but our promise was not,
And sadly we tell ye whit a huge debt ye’ve got,
So an appointment wis made wae oor friend at the bank.
With scowl on his face he took wan look at us,
Checked through his books and started tae cuss,
Demanded we pay up without any fuss,
Or else get the Hell oot of oor hoose.
So now we’re near eighty and workin’ away,
The mortgage plus interest still tryin’ tae pay,
And I’m sure that debt free we’ll be one day,
Unless we die frae the strain of our labours