The Vauxhal Nova needs its daily gallon of cheap
Am I not
In't Ah dead gallus wae
these new trackies.
Okay - so I look like a
Intae or Inty
Ah'm right intae books so
I read the
Beano and the Dandy every single week.
Irn Bru (BarrBru)
Irn Bru (BarrBru)
Irn Bru is a mild citrus drink that tastes like old
rusting girders. Nevertheless despite competition
from Buckfast, Tennents Lager, Carlsburg Special,
Bad Jelly, Metz, Black Jack , Grolsch, and countless
others, Irn-Bru is the Ned’s ‘other national drink’.
[From Ned Speak by Stuart
National Drink by Stuart McLean
O Whit’ll ye hae for drinking, for drinking, for
Whit’ll ye hae for drinking?
Ah’ll hae an Irn-Bru.
There’s monie a tipple in this land,
Beer an’ vodka an’ Buckie too,
But when Ah’m no drinking whisky,
Ah’d rather hae Irn-Bru.
Ah’d never take a sip o’ gin,
And cider makes me sick,
So when Ah want tae quench a thirst,
The Barrbru dis the trick.
Ye ken its made frae girders,
Stolen oot o’ building sites,
And then its mixed wae necter,
For a taste that aye delights.
So when yer next at the shops,
Pick up a jumbo pack,
Or better still, make that two,
Tae save ye rushing back. [From No' Rabbie Burns by Stuart McLean]
Aye sure Ah'll go out wae
ye - Ah'll see ye it the pub it seven.
I would be delighted to go on a date with you. Be at
the pub by seven - if I don't turn up by nine then
assume I've done you a dizzy.
Naw, no that yin, yer ither
That is the not
the correct one - the other one that you possess
would be preferable.
From Why Did the
Haggis Cross the Road?
by Stuart McLean
Tartan & Kilt Jokes
A Japanese businessman goes into a kilt-makers to enquire
about having kilts made for his entire family. Realising
that there’s a massive profit to be made the kilt-maker is
keen to get the sale.
“The only problem,” says the business man, “is that I don’t
expect we belong to any Scottish Clan.”
“Actually you do,” says the kilt-maker without hesitation,
“Tokushimanachahati is part of the MacGullible Clan – we
have plenty of tartan in stock.”
For his eighteenth birthday a rich aunt gives Paul a bale of
tartan and money to have a kilt made. He goes to a kilt
maker and gets measured up. As he’s a bit shy he asks the
kilt maker to make some matching undies. Two weeks later
Paul goes back to the shop.
"Your kilt and underwear are ready,” says the kilt maker.
“and there was five yards of material left over.”
“That’s grand,” replies Paul, “Maybe I could get my
girlfriend a matching kilt.”
Paul rushed home. Excitedly he pulls on the kilt. He loves
it so much he immediately dashes round to show his
girlfriend. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to
don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answers the door, Paul does a twirl and
said, "Well, what do you think?"
"Wow," she exclaims.
"But here’s the biggest surprise,” he screeches, yanking up
the kilt, “have you ever seen anything like that?”
"Oh, my God," says his girlfriend, “that’s amazing.”
"Well I've got five more yards at home,” says Paul eagerly.
“I’d be happy to let you have it anytime"
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